Book Review: Yinka, Where's Your Huzband? by Lizzie Damilola Blackburn

The protagonist in this book is Yinka. Yinka is a British-Nigerian, ambitious, accomplished, and successful woman. She's a typical type-A personality with her life together.

It all comes crashing down when her long-term relationship ends, and she gets laid off from her investment banking job when she thought she'd get a promotion. With her cousin's wedding coming up, Yinka makes it her ambition to have a date by then. This was fueled by her deep desire for companionship and massive pressure from her mum and Aunt Debbie to get married, since she's in her early thirties.

Her journey turns out to be a rollercoaster, and in her quest to find a 'huzband', she realizes there's a lot of internal work she needs to do. After an embarrassing drunken moment, an intervention from friends, a career crisis, and a failing love life, she goes on a journey of unpacking and healing her deepest wounds and being radically honest about her current circumstances. This then leads to repair in her relationships, a career pivot, and most importantly, radical self-love and self-acceptance.

You may think that the entire story would end with her finding this 'huzband', but she ends up finding herself, and that was the whole point.

Before we proceed any further, today's verse;

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. Song of Solomon 2:7

As I read, I identified the following themes and topics that are worth exploring, so stay with me here.

1. Alignment over performance.

2. Colorism and exaltation of Eurocentric features even amongst Africans.

3. The Immense Pressure Women face to marry by a certain age.

4. Family dynamics and boundaries.

5. Importance of doing 'The Work.'

1. Alignment over performance

   The first time I read this book, Yinka resonated deeply with me because I could relate A LOT to her character, personality, inner dialogue, and current experiences, as some of them were my reality.

   Reading about her enforced a lesson I was learning, that's now a personal philosophy I live by, 'Alignment matters more than performance.'

   Society will never teach you this; it will only teach you to achieve and will keep clapping for your achievements even when you're misaligned.

   This theme came through strongly for me in Yinka's career. Yinka had been an operations manager for about eight years in a prestigious investment bank. She thought she was on her way to a promotion, but to her shock, she was laid off. She did everything right - late nights, ass-kissing her bosses, going above and beyond, yet still was laid off.

   This transition led her to revisit what truly aligned with her - charity work. At the end of the book, she secures a new role at a charity organization that aids the homeless.

   She stopped performing, and once she began to align, better doors opened.

   

2. Colorism and exaltation of Eurocentric features even amongst Africans.

   This book was eye-opening for me as an African Woman, how, even unknowingly, your mind can be wired to despise African features. For example, dark skin complexion, tightly-coiled hair, full lips, etc.

   This is one thing that Yinka is constantly wrestling with and admits to during her therapy session. Yinka is a dark-skinned woman with a slim frame who wears her hair naturally in a short afro.

   Growing up, she was bullied for her skin complexion, with her peers referring to her as 'dog poo'.

   With an internalized thought that light-skinned and curvy women are beautiful and are the ones chosen by men, drilled further when her ex of many years gets engaged to a light-skinned and curvy woman within a few months, she considers bleaching her skin. She refers to her backside as having a 'J' shape (flat🫠) and constantly dresses in long cardigans to cover her bum. She goes to great lengths to make herself more curvy by eating more and doing up to fifty squats a day. Crazy, right?

   This book challenges us to be aware of how much we have internalized the thought that African features are to be despised and Eurocentric features are beautiful.

   Think about your upbringing; most of the cartoons you watched were Disney movies, and there was a beautiful princess who was fair-skinned and had long, silky hair. The dolls we played with were white, blond, and had blue eyes.

   Other people's opinions can also plant seeds of insecurity. For example, when Yinka wears a weave instead of her natural fro', her mother says, 'Now, you are beautiful again.'

3. The Immense Pressure Women face to marry by a certain age

   If you're a woman in your early, mid, or late twenties and beyond, and unmarried, you've probably been asked several invasive questions about your love life. Also, as a Christian Woman, I have seen and experienced firsthand how churches treat single people. Even in these 'single people' events, it's always about marriage and being a good wife. It can cause you to internalize the thought that there's something wrong with you if you're single.

   Yinka, in her early thirties, is facing immense pressure from her mother and Aunt Debby to settle and find a 'huzband'. The author hilariously narrates her experience at a charismatic church her mum attends, and the fanfare that erupts when the pastor declares that God wills to bless the single women attendees with 'huuuzzzbbbaannddzzz'. She goes above and beyond to impress men and loses herself in the process.

   This book challenges us to ask introspective questions as women, like;

   'Do I really want to get married, or have I been told I should want to?'

   'Is my worth tied to my ability to attract and 'keep' a man?'

   
   

   or sit with uncomfortable realities such as;

   
   

   Nana, Yinka's best friend, identifies as aromantic. Meaning that she has little or no desire for romantic companionship. She's totally ok being by herself.

   Aunty Blessing, well into her 50s, is still single and searching for love (by the end of the book she finds it btw ;)). In her case, she chose to prioritize her career over love.

   This may sound controversial, even criminal, to say, but some women genuinely don't want to get married.

   This theme invites us to sit with uncomfortable ideas that confront and challenge long-held and projected ideals. Once we sit with it and process it, we can then make a decision based on what we ourselves want, instead of what we've been told we should.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tT1N4CBzBx4

I was shook the first time I saw the title of this video. I watched it, and I've never been the same.

4. Family Dynamics and Boundaries (or lack thereof)

   As I read this book, another theme that came up was common family dynamics, such as a lack of boundaries, especially when it came to Yinka's love life. During public events, Yinka's mother constantly reminded Yinka of her singleness, asking her if she was doing anything about it, linking her up with men to date, and even praying for her PUBLICLY and LOUDLY to find a huzband.

   I'm sure we can all relate to awkward and even embarrassing moments during family gatherings. Some people just don't know when to stop! Family members can ask questions or make unsolicited commentary about your natural features, career progress, love life, weight, etc., which is often rude.

   However, thank God for allies in the family like Aunty Blessing. When Yinka's mum and Aunt Debby start harassing Yinka regarding her love life, Aunty Blessing often steps in and stands up for her.

5. The importance of doing 'The Work.'

'The Work'? Soul Work. Don't hide behind religion/faith to mask real, deep wounds. You are a human experiencing life, and life can be traumatic. Life can hurt. It's important to acknowledge, process, and release this hurt so that you don't hurt others.

Behind Yinka's mother's erosion of boundaries regarding Yinka's love life was fear. Fear that her daughter would end up alone, just like she did when her husband suddenly got sick and died. Then the grief from losing her husband and having to face the reality of suddenly becoming a single mum.

Ola, Yinka's cousin, had shortness with Yinka stemming from anger/resentment at Yinka for her husband liking Yinka instead of her during their campus days. But, since Ola was already pregnant, they needed to get married. Yinka became the target of her pain, yet she had done...nothing.

Yinka also needed to do 'the work' of healing. Through therapy, she slowly unearthed the roots of her deepest wounds, shifted her internal beliefs about herself, and began to build her self-worth.

Eventually, Yinka doesn't get the huzband she thought she needed so badly. Does she want love and companionship someday? Yes, but for now, she's learned to be content with where she's at in life. More importantly, who she is. Wholly and Fully. That was always the point.

In conclusion, 'Yinka, where is your huzband' is written in a quirky, unique, humorous, and most importantly, real way. Yinka can be a character that's easy to laugh at, and the writing style is mostly humorous, but I love the author's way of weaving in somewhat heavy topics and themes that need exposure. A worthy read for that African lady somewhere who's done everything right but doesn't seem to feel enough. Page after page, you'll realize that everything you need has always been from within. ❤️

Till next post,

Miss Kambe.